An Interview Gone Wrong
by Resa Aureus
Summary: Me and one of my favorite Harry Potter characters have a little chat. Things don't go quite as planned.
1. Chapter 1

"Hello, Mr. Malfoy! It's a pleasure to meet you. I am a very big fan. My name is Theresa Gold."

"A pleasure I'm sure. So, what is this exactly? An interview for the Prophet?"

"Personal research, actually. You see, I'm a writer and currently trying to make a name for myself in the world of fanfiction."

"Is that a magazine?"

"Erm. Well, no. It's stories and things."

"Oh. Well. What sort of research?"

"I'm writing a new fanfiction, you see. It's going to be three parts and since you're one of my absolute favorite characters, you'll be the hero of it!"

"Well, I always did say I didn't get enough credit where it was due. No thanks to Golden Boy Potter."

"And I agree completely. Really, I do. I always felt like Harry was a bit of a…well, he wouldn't have exactly survived without truckloads of help and an unbelievable amount of luck."

"Thank you! Someone finally agrees. I think I like you, Gold. Tell me about your family. Is it renowned? You must have a truly clever and distinguished family to produce such intelligent offspring."

"Well… my dad's a plumber and my mom was a homemaker. I grew up in New Jersey. I have a son."

"And a husband?"

"No, no husband."

"Betrothed?"

"Nope."

"Suitor?"

"Nah. He's just my roommate and best friend."

"… Okay. Then. Your son's name?"

"Remus, actually."

"After the _werewolf_?"

"Well, yeah. He's my favorite character."

"I thought you said _I_ was your favorite character?"

"Remus is my ultimate favorite, and you're like… a secondary favorite."

"Malfoys are secondary to no one."

"Okay, okay, we're getting a little off track. So, to start off, you're going to have to curb the pureblood elitist attitude a bit, bud. I'm here to get some facts straight before I start getting down to the nitty-gritty in my writing process. Got it?"

"…Fine. Go on."

"Alright, so my story is going to be three parts, each about twenty to thirty chapters each. It's set post- Battle of Hogwarts and Voldemort is triumphant."

"…Which circle of Hell did you crawl out of?"

"I know, it's a little dark."

"A little dark? Have you read any of our history? The Dark Lord's triumph would have meant the holocaust and enslavement of Muggles. I wouldn't call that dark – I'd call that downright sadistic."

"Listen, I'm trying to go about it in a way that I can have plenty of hope, plot twists, and maybe find a little humor."

"There is nothing humorous about the Dark Lord being victorious."

"Draco, do you want a series of books of your own or not?"

"…Proceed."

"That's what I thought. Anyway, you and Hermione Granger are going to share the spotlight."

"Why would I share a spotlight with _Granger_ of all people?"

"Because you kind of have a crush on her."

"_Who told you that_?! Goyle? Blaise? How did you obtain that information?"

"Calm down, buddy boy. It's just fiction. Just a story. It's not actually real."

"Oh… okay."

"Maybe you should see someone about that?"

"About what, Miss Gold?"

"About that paranoia. Thought you were going to have an aneurism there. Talk to your wife, maybe?"

"Astoria? What would she know about paranoia? She's always so bloody happy, smiling to herself… like she's planning something…"

"Oh, boy, you're just a whole trail-mix bag of crazy, aren't you? JKR never really talked about you post-war. You're a little nuts, Draco, not gonna lie."

"I haven't a clue what you just said. Are you insulting me?"

"Not insulting, no. Just being a concerned friend."

"I have no friends."

"Maybe you should get a few?"

"My lack of friends has nothing to do with your so called 'fanfiction'. So the Dark Lord has won – because you're obviously a sociopathic horror writer – and I am apparently enamored with the frizzy-haired swot whom I spent my entire school career belittling and despising. So far this makes about as much sense as Voldemort having a soft spot for kittens."

"I'm going to ignore that jab at my plot bunny and continue. So Draco… well, you see your godfather for one last time before his death in the Shrieking Shack. And you make the ultimate decision to continue to the fight, this time for Good, and follow in his footsteps."

"You're going to make me a Merlin-damned spy, aren't you?"

"Right in one!"

"You're very cruel. Voldemort wins, I have to see one of the only men besides my father I've ever respected die, and then throw me into an arduous lifestyle as spy. Do you have some kind of grudge against me?"

"Quit it. Harry Potter is dead in the story, does that make you happy?"

"Shockingly not. If it weren't for him, we'd all be dead."

"If it weren't for him, there'd be no war."

"Touché, Miss Gold."

"You're a spy. Hermione is blacklisted. Grimmauld is being used as a refuge. The Minister is a mysterious man, a spokesperson for Voldemort, named Mr. Snow. Voldemort hasn't been seen since the battle and there are rumors of him being weak. You are snooping and doing things like that and fancying Hermione because she's adorable in a way no even you can deny."

"…I don't appreciate this picture you're painting of me. And I'm a married man."

"Not in my story."

"I don't want to be a noble Gryffindor."

"Trust me, you're as Slytherin as ever."

"So, Theresa Gold, born of a plumber and housewife from New Jersey, tell me exactly what you need me for? It seems you have this sick, twisted little tale all sorted in your equally disturbing head."

"Titles. I can't title anything. I'm awful at it. I wrote a story called A Haunting in a Joke Shop. Do you want to guess what it was about?"

"A haunting in a joke shop?"

"Precisely. The Last Marauder explains itself and The Trick of Time was a name I stumbled on when I attempted at writing a sequel to TLM. Prisoner is about a Prisoner, it's sequel Captive is just a synonym for 'prisoner' and I'm fucking tired – I haven't slept in days – and I'm anxious to post this new story, but I can't until it has a title!"

"Perhaps you could use some tea? Chamomile, perhaps?"

"I don't need fucking tea! I need a title!"

"Well… you have readers, yes?"

"A few, sure."

"And they like your stories?"

"I mean, I guess. They've never really said otherwise."

"They probably know your writing quite well. Why not ask them?"

"…That's… not a bad idea, Draco. How do I ask them?"

"You'll find a creative way, I'm sure. Just ask them for suggestions – fancy titles for a story starring me and Granger as star-crossed lovers – and then choose your favorites and have them vote. Truly, you should have come up with this yourself. You've wasted my time with your nonsense."

"Wow. Thanks, Draco. I guess this means we're friends now, huh?"

"We aren't."

"Really? Because this feels kind of like friendship."

"You are demented. Please leave."

THE END

…~oOo~…

A/N. Well, you heard the man! Type in the reviews ideas for titles! It can be anything from full title ideas or fancy dancy words that you think could be incorporated into a cool title or anything, really! Keep an eye on my profile for the poll that will have five of my favorites and you guys can decide!

~ So Long And Thanks For All The Fish ~


	2. Chapter 2

The poll is up! Go to my profile and vote for your favorite title!

The options are:

The Map of Our Ruin

Blacklisted

The Serpent's Curse

Pandora's Box

Rose from the Underground


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